Why I Give My Toddler 7 Seconds Instead of 3

I grew up with the unwritten three-second rule, too. And I remember exactly how it felt. It sucked, it felt rushed and I never had a choice.

You did what you were told, when you were told, you couldn't ask for an explantation (it was backtalk) or you got yelled at (belittled or called names). It was so confusing, and I got resentful, defensive and my "behavior" was worse after.

Now that I'm a mom, I'm realizing how much that shaped the way I've want to parent (surprisingly enough, I have to re-parent my own parents now..which is a completely different story).

I watched, I learned and I took mental notes. So, when I became a mom, I knew my upbringing and decided I wanted to try to do things a little differently. I lead with love, empathy, boundaries, teaching and most importantly repairing.

I refuse to continue the cycle.

I want Nora to know she has a voice. We listen to her no's, but she also has to listen to ours. Just because she's little doesn't mean her feelings and voice don't matter. But that doesn't mean she gets to make all the decisions either (she's just learning about the world for goodness sake).

And one of the ways I've been trying to do things differently? Giving Nora seven seconds instead of three.

"Wow, I only ever got three seconds. Good for you, mama."

A mom said this to me while walking past us in the grocery store. I was standing there counting to seven with my toddler, who had decided she wanted to touch everything, put things in the cart (just kidding, drop them on the floor), and stand up instead of sit down.

You know, typical toddler things.

I had already told Nora a few times that we will put things in the cart we are buying, so not everything goes in the cart. I will hand her things to put in there. Then she started unbuckling and standing up.

"Baby, no. We need to sit down. It's dangerous to stand up in the cart because you could fall out." Toddler logic says no, she wanted to get out and walk around.

And I'm standing there trying to take a deep breath because I can feel myself getting frustrated. So I gave her two options. "We can sit down and keep shopping, or we can leave. Which would you like?"

I waited for her to acknowledge me. She said "Stay", "Okay, you want to keep shopping? I'm going to count to seven, and you need to sit down. Ready?"

1...2...3...4...5...6...7. She sat. "YAY! Great job, babe!"

And that's when the other mom walked by and said "Wow, I only ever got three seconds. Good for you, mama."

How the heck did I landed on seven seconds?

Well shocking to everyone else, I never actually wanted kids. But I had babysat, taught kids tennis, and worked as an interpreter in schools and have a dog training background. And something I noticed was how differently kids responded when adults explained things to them, gave them boundaries, and let them make choices.

So, when my kiddo wasn't listening at home and I was getting huffy, I'd take a deep breath use a timer and say "you have 5 minutes" until we do the specific task I want done. It actually only took a few days to get into a rhythm because I always followed through with the request. Needing to leave the park? Timer. Needing to clean up toys? Timer.

For example, if she was playing and I needed her to pick up her toys, I would tell her: "Nora, I'm going to set a timer for five minutes. When it goes off, we're going to pick up your toys." Then I'd give her a two-minute warning.

Then a one-minute warning. Then we'd count down the last ten seconds. And when the timer went off, we'd pick up the toys together.

Sometimes, it worked immediately, she'd happily go pick up toys with me. Other times? We sat there for 20 minutes while I waited for her to be ready, looking at the tantrum unfolding infant of me, repeating gently, "We are going to pick up the toys together".

Which was fine when we had the time. But what about when we needed to get in the car and GO? So, we'd practice at home (remember, dog training? Exposure therapy at its finest) since I couldn't always sit there for 20 minutes waiting for her to decide she was ready.

And I also didn't want to immediately jump to the mom stare or not giving her time because we needed to be somewhere. So I started experimenting with counting.

Three seconds? Absolutely not. Too short, and honestly, a little triggering for me. Five seconds? Better, but still not quite enough time.

Ten seconds? Apparently, that's too long, even for me.

But seven? Seven worked.

I was SHOCKED. Like, WOAH. She's actually doing it?! I don't know why seven is our magic number, but apparently it is. And now we use it for just about everything.

Okay, seriously though what if we needed to go right now. Car seats and toddlers are a whole personality in itself....

Here's an example of what we do:

"I need you to be in your car seat. You either need to be in your car seat or I will put you in your car seat. (wait until I am acknowledged in some way)... Which would you like, you in your car seat, or I put you in there?"

"Okay, you want to do it yourself? I am going to count to seven, 1...2...3...4...5...6...7."

"Awesome job! You're in your car seat, (always making it fun) WHAT?! HOW DID YOU GET IN THERE SO FAST!? Now let's buckle you up!"

OR, "I got to 7 and you're not in your car seat. I will be putting you in your car seat so we can go to our destination."

I cannot tell you how amazing it is that this has changed the game for us.

Does it work every single time? No. She's still a toddler (with toddler logic). But it has made such a difference in our household.

But as soon as we switch back to giving her those seven seconds? She's so much more willing to cooperate. We have WAY fewer meltdowns now. And I've noticed that when my husband doesn't use the seven-second rule, sometimes getting Nora to do something turns into a whole battle.

So, if I really break it down...

It looks like this... Explain How I Am Feeling > Give the Reason Why > Give 2 options > Wait for understanding > Give a warning for 7 seconds & restate the 2 options again > Count to 7 > Make it fun and silly and praise for being a good listener. Or be serious and say "I know you're upset, next time we can try again to listen a little bit better okay?"

Look, I know seven seconds might not be the magic number for every kid. But for Nora, giving her a little extra time has made a world of difference. Doesn't every kid (and probably our inner child) deserve that too?

I'm not trying to raise a kid who listens perfectly. I'm trying to raise one who feels heard, understands boundaries, and knows she has choices. Even if that means counting to seven a hundred times a day.

So, CHEERS to encouraging other parents to give their toddlers more agency, try the seven-second rule, and share how it goes.

OR, if you've found yourself wanting to parent a little differently than how you were raised, what's one small thing you could change? It doesn't have to be anything big. Sometimes it's just four extra seconds.

Did you grow up with the three-second rule? I'm curious if you've found yourself parenting differently, too.

Till Next Time 🫶🏻
Liz